A friend I’ve known since I was twelve and who I loved so incredibly much has just passed away.
It’s surreal. His smiley message on my uploaded graduation photo is STILL THERE. (And I never got around to replying to him and it *kills me*. Like, intellectually I know I couldn’t have known what would happen, but it eats at me.) It’s unreal. His Facebook profile just uploaded a horoscope. His Facebook profile will keep on uploading horoscopes and they will always be like knives from now on. I’ve ransacked my room looking for our high school pictures and I can’t find them and it is driving me crazy and I’m been panicking because what if they too are lost forever? (They can’t be.)
And his wake is too far away for me to attend (and I am also too fragile right now to travel) and even if I did go I would’t be able to get there in time for the funeral (oh god).
Also out of all our common friends back in high school, I think I was the closest to him, the one who loved him this hard. We’d sort of adopted each other when he was thirteen and I was twelve and we were away at school and unexpected neighbors and he didn’t give a shit about me being all loner-like, he was just fast friends with the ‘weird’ bookish girl in the boarding house and also the sky was blue. I mean, our friendship was like that from the moment it started. Like it was just a fact of living.
((And I sort of resent the high school friends we both had in common. I’ve messaged them and they seem not to know what to say and I feel like ‘why didn’t you love him this hard too, why can’t you be as devastated as I am’? And of course that’s an irrational thought and that I am being unfair to my other old friends and irrationally looking for someone with the ‘right’ thing to say. But I feel cut adrift, at not having someone to feel devastated with. God I feel selfish and terrible.))
I’m sorry this is all a messy mess suddenly popping up on your walls. I didn’t know what else to do: this has come spilling out after a day’s worth of crying jags and unposted Facebook posts. But I’m just asking—if you can, please do include me and my friend in your thoughts and/or prayers (if you pray). Please.